Can we make C.H.U.Ds the next sexy monster fad? – Musings Of A Mild Mannered Man

Can we make C.H.U.Ds the next sexy monster fad?

Sorry for the lack of a “Postal Apocalypse” last week, folks! If I could drop my faux fake postman-of-the-post-apocalypse shtick for a brief moment, I was still suffering the effects of the norovirus, which basically means I was ejecting fluids from both ends of my body like the world’s most disgusting human sprinkler attachment. But I’m back, the bodily fluids have stopped flying, and your letters need to be answered! Don’t forget to send your letters to [email protected]! No letter too weird, no letter too dumb! I can’t promise anything about the answers, though.


C.H.U.D. Studs

Ken P.
Supposing hypothetically, I was working on a paranormal romance about the forbidden love between a young woman and a C.H.U.D. inspired monster. The goal is to make the C.H.U.D. romantically appealing, yet have him retain his essential C.H.U.D.ness. Is just making him glittery enough? Originally I thought this, but then I remembered the Gorn with his glittery eyes had kinda struck out with the female demographic. It seems, no matter how many bouts with a shirtless Kirk, women find Gorn unsexy (for instance, when brought up repeatedly on dates). How far do I need to transform my repulsive sewer monster shy of turning him into a pale Justin Beiber with a glittery pony mane?

Also, wouldn’t getting zombie goo on your lower lip, or in your eyes, have the same effect as getting bit?

Alas, you’re going to need to crank up the Humanoid factor to basically 11. C.H.U.D.s –- and there’s a pic on the left for those who’ve forgotten their appearance –- look like Jawas who have been put in the microwave for 60 straight minutes, and there’s absolutely no part of that anybody finds sexy. Meanwhile, the appeal of Edward and the other Twilight vampires is 1) they look like attractive humans, 2) they seem to be bad because they’re vampires while 3) they’re not actually bad at all. Twilight‘s vampires are attractive boys who claim they have “dark secrets” while they happily wait decades to have sex. The glitter is merely a bonus.

So you’re going to need an Extreme C.H.U.D. Makeover if you want the ladies to fall for one. Let’s say you start with a young man — thin, but with abs. You could probably get away with shaving his head, but he’d need his original eyes so he could look soulfully at girls. You could probably make him glisten, but only in a “covered in floor wax” way, not a “covered in viscera” way. All in all… yeah, this just ends up being Justin Bieber. But he eats human flesh and is sad about it! He has a troubled soul!

Also: Yes. That’s always bugged me about zombie flicks. If zombism is passed through a bite, it should inevitably be passed through any wound where a zombie breaks the flesh, including scratches (but not when a zombie, say, rips your arm out of your socket and starts eating it). And the disease should especially be contracted when you smash a zombie’s head and blood goes flying into your eye, mouth or any open wound. Sometimes in The Walking Dead Rick and crew are covered in zombie juice and just chilling out, and if drives me crazy.

Route 52

Carl H.
What do you think Marvel’s “52” promos mean?

At the moment, Marvel has relased two new promos — one containing nothing but 52 claw marks, ostensibly scratched by Wolverine, and another containing the #1 made up of the names of 52 Marvel characters. The reason we haven’t mentioned them on io9 yet is partially because the promos are boring, but mostly because they don’t offer a single hint of what Marvel’s planning. All they show is that Marvel is mocking DC’s New 52, because Marvel is a jerk like that. We hear anything else, we’ll let you know.

My Aim Is True

Teagan S.:
Based on your Arrow “rules” (in “7 Superheroes Who Should Get Their Own Arrow-style TV Shows”), shouldn’t that mean shows like The Cape and Heroes and No Ordinary Family should have been instant hits? They had a clear beginning, have drama other than superheroics, and none of them had many special effects.

Ah, yes. I probably should have clarified: I was speaking mainly of adaptations of established comic book characters, not original series. Original superhero series don’t have to worry about accessibility, and they should have their budgetary concerns dealt with from the beginning.

My Arrow Rules were for transitioning established comic characters to TV, but there’s still a lot a show needs to be good after that: good writing, compelling characters, not being too campy, and, in Heroes‘ case, not being the stupidest fucking thing ever aired on TV. Arrow‘s succeeding in all of that, by the way.

Box Office Mojo

Jeffrey W.:
I’m sick as hell of everyone dissing DC movies and praising Marvel like everything they do is perfect. Yes, Marvel ahs made some good movies, but none of them are as good as any of Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy! That’s three masterpieces compared to what, sixe pretty good movies? And when you count Spider-Man 3, Daredevil, X-Men 3, the Fantastic Four and the Ghost Rider movies, Marvel’s made so many more shitty movies than DC has!

You are technically right, which is the most obnoxious way to be right, but most people acknowledge that all those movies you’ve listed above are out of Sony’s hands. The rights are owned by Sony and Fox, and while Marvel owns the characters, they have no say over the movies these companies make.

They do, however, have the rights to Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk and the Avengers, and of the movies Marvel itself has overseen and produced… well, they may not be batting 1.000% thanks to Iron Man 2, but they’re close. Alas, since WB owns DC and handle all DC properties, they can’t be said to have done the same: for those three Nolan Bat-movies, there’s Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, Superman Returns, Catwoman, and Constantine (which was actually all right, as long as you’d never read a Hellblazer comic before). Equally impressive is the films DC has managed not to make over the last decade or so, especially Justice League and Wonder Woman.

Unfortunately, when you compare the movies Marvel has made — the ones they’ve had complete control on — versus the ones DC has made, despite having control over the entirety of the DC universe, it’s no contest. Also, personally, I think Batman Begins is pretty overrated. Give me Michael Keaton anyday!

Before the Game Started

Shannon L.:
There’s a ton of backstory to A Song of Ice and Fire that’s absolutely crucial to the plot, but with two seasons down, there’s barely been a mention. How is the show going to work in the events that happened prior to a Game of Thrones, like the stuff that Dany was supposed to see in the House of the Undying?

Okay, if you’ve been watching the Game of Thrones TV series but haven’t read the books, here’s what Shannon is talking about: Basically, there’s a lot of things that happen prior to the events of A Game of Thrones that the book hints at through character’s memories, especially the events that surrounding Ned Stark’s sister Lyanna and the Mad King Aerys’s son Rhaegar that led to Robert Baratheon’s rebellion against the Targaryens. In the books, we know enough to know we don’t know everything that happened (if that makes sense) but still, book readers are getting a great many details the TV show hasn’t managed to show yet.

The biggest change in this regard is when Dany visits the House of the Undying at the end of Season 2. In the show, she merely gets tempted, but rescues her dragons and burns the wizards; in the book, she gets infodumped with prophecies of the future and peeks into the past (and burns the wizards).

I apologize for being unable to find my source on this, but I know that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are well aware of the problem, and are trying to figure it out (and they may have already, for all I know). I feel like Game of Thrones the show isn’t ever going to be able to just have someone recite a bunch of prophecy, or have someone give Bran a lengthy history lesson — I feel like at some point the show may just need to do a flashback episode. Or two. Or maybe even a 2-hour prequel special event detailing what happened when Ned and Robert were young and everything else that went down.

The problem with this is that George R.R. Martin is still holding so much of A Game of Thrones‘ past close to the vest, so a prequel special would be really… weird, with all the things that happen whose significance we don’t understand yet. It almost makes more sense for the show to wait until GRRM explains everything he wants to explain in the books, and then do a prequel special including everything that can be told. Which means we could be waiting quite a while before we see Lyanna and Rhaegar on screen.

Carbon Scoring

Fuck/marry/kiil: R2, C3PO, Chewbacca.

Kill Threepio, because he’s the worst. I’d have to say fuck Artoo, if only because of all the gadgets and doohickeys and attachments he has, surely there’s one that would get the job done. And marry Chewbacca, for a lifetime of comfy, late night snuggling.

Do you have a letter for or to the Postman? Questions about nerd culture? Queries about Ideas you want to share? Email [email protected]!
via io9: Game Of Thrones


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  1. March 1, 2013

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